I haven't posted for over a month now, but I do have a reason why. I look back at my last post on the 3rd of October and remember just how happy I was feeling that day. Nauseous but happy.
After feeling off colour for a few weeks I went to the doctors the week before and lo and behold I was pregnant. We hadn't been trying so it was a surprise, but after the shock wore off we were delighted. So when I did the last post I was thinking about the baby to come, my adventures in maternity wear and how I wouldn't be able to wear that black denim skirt for much longer as it had no stretch ;)
A week later I felt, well, I suppose, better. While most of us don't like to feel ill generally when you are pregnant you find feeling like utter shite reassuring. And I wasn't feeling that bad anymore so I got worried. Two scans later I knew that my foetus hadn't grown past 5 weeks and one month after getting my negative test I had a miscarriage. I won't go into details.
Funny thing is no one talks about having a miscarriage, until you mention you have had one. Then it all comes out. The number of people who have either had them, or had friends that have gone through it (especially when trying for a second child). You learn that there are some things that money or prayers can't fix (and I'm an atheist - still tried praying). You realise that there are things that happen in life that completely knock you sideways and make you feel the depths of despair.
I felt for a few weeks that it was my fault and I went around saying sorry to my partner and my daughter for not being capable of giving them another child and sibling. I felt like my body was worthless, defective and I felt completely and utterly unattractive. As the hormones lessened and time passed, I've gained more perspective and in many ways it seems almost like a bad dream; that wonderful, terrible month.
So, that's the long excuse for why I haven't blogged.
And now? I think I'm going to put myself through it all again, if possible. After 3 1/2 years of not being sure whether we want another child, I now know that I do (although I dislike pregnancy!).
And as for blogging, I feel better about myself and I think that perhaps I do have something to offer, even if it is a sense of relief for readers that they don't look like me!
To make me stick to my resolve to return I have signed up for a blogging challenge. More soon. Anyway, hello again, keep warm and hug the ones you love.