This post is going to be a bit rambly I'm afraid as it about some random thoughts I've had over the last few days. One of these random thoughts was inspired by a sausage roll, hence the title.
I have dieted a lot in my past. Since my early teens if not earlier. Food therefore was/is categorised in rather complex ways for me. With my parents there were foods that I was only allowed to eat if I was willing to get the sighs and tutting, or in some cases was permitted to eat as it was a special occasion or another excuse. There were foods that I was told we shouldn't be eating, but we deserved a treat (cream-laden cakes were in this category) and then there was 'good' food such as salad and rice cakes (I literally shudder at the memories).
Anyway. There were also foods that I used to eat secretly or when the chance came up away from my parents (at school etc) - often the tutting foods. Sausage rolls were in this category. They were my guilty pleasure.
So when Mr Eclectica and I were hungry the other day and busy and needed something to eat for lunch we stopped at M&S at the service station. Before I went in I wanted a wrap I thought. Something tasty. He wanted a pasty (man food). So I wandered in and somehow came out with a pasty for him and the most god awful sausage roll for myself. And it was hideously bad. Greasy, with spongy meat, and as I ate it I thought why did I buy this? I finished it (god knows why) and then wanted to write a note across the walls, across my forehead even, NEVER BUY THIS AGAIN.
But why did I buy it? Why didn't I even look at the other options? I would have preferred sushi or anything. And the answer came to me the other day. It was because it seemed to me like one of those occasions when I was 'allowed' to have a fattening option if I wanted it. So I did. Regardless of whether I actually wanted it or not.
Spending so much time dieting and being without meant that for the other periods of my life I ate all the crap I could find as I was sure that I would then be dieting soon anyway so if I didn't eat it now I would miss out. I still have these eating patterns to some extent which leads me to eating dessert or something else even when I'm full. It's that unconscious feeling that if I don't eat it now then I won't be allowed it tomorrow or it won't be there. Weird huh? But these things get imprinted from an early age and are hard to wipe clean - especially if it's not really a conscious thought process.
I'm getting over it. But the sausage roll proves to me at least that I still have a way to go. I need to concentrate on what I really want to eat, not what is good or bad or allowed or permitted. To be fair to the husband he doesn't police my eating - except when I seem to be eating more than I probably really need or want (when already full). Which makes me think: why am I eating to the point of being uncomfortable - oh that's right, because I think I'm dieting tomorrow. But I'm not anymore. Hurrah!
The more I read about Health at Every Size the more it makes sense to me. Intuitive eating makes sense. Actively thinking about my food choices makes sense.
Thinking about food as good or bad, and therefore yourself as being good or bad for eating them is a pernicious way of thinking. Food is just food. It's not a moral judgement. You are a bad person if you kick puppies, not if you eat a chocolate bar.
You are not good if you eat salad. You're just eating leaves and if it's what you wanted for lunch brilliant. If you really wanted something else then no one is going to be giving you a medal for your sacrifice.
Here endth the rant. Comments please.