Breaking through brick walls

There were two people hitting their head against a brick wall. One day one of them stopped.

"You've stopped?" asked the one still hitting her head.

"Yup"said the other, rubbing her forehead and wondering why it took her so long to stop.

"But you can't stop! Don't you know what will happen if you stop?" said the other, hitting her head just a little harder.

"What? The world will end?"

"Well...yes. Almost. People will talk about you, the freaky one who isn't hitting her head all the time. You won't be attractive - people only like people with flat heads and a rhythmic neck motion. And there is all that research that shows that hitting your head is good for you. It's the only way to live!"

"What research?" said the other, suspecting she could guess the answer.

"You know, the stuff that the brick wall companies did" said the head banger, with no sense of irony.

"Well, even if it's true (and I suspect a lot of it is over egged) I'm ok with that. I trust that my head will be fine. I know that I will like myself and my life more enjoyable without the constant sound of the brick hitting my head. The world won't end."

"But... aren't you scared of what might happen? What else will you do with your time, your energy, your life?"

"I'll live it. The world won't end. I know you're scared but another way of living is possible"

"I'm not scared. You're a Freak. I'm calling the media. You can only live your life this way. Too much is at stake for them... I mean me"

"Bye." and the woman wandered off to spend her time enjoying the world and not spending her time thinking about the size and shape of bricks.



Ok, change bashing your head with dieting and hating yourself. After all the two are intertwined really. You hate your body so you diet. The diet works - you are thinner but you still hate yourself so it is never enough and you then get another great reason to hate yourself when you can no longer deny your body's needs.

Or your diet doesn't work and the self hating part of you gets to use this as confirmation that you suck as a person.

But what if there is another way and you just stop.

But that is scary, and not just to you. It's scary to everyone else that spends all their time and energy being obsessed about trying to look 'right'. Look as they think everyone should look. It's a threatening thing to do when you challenge what is seen as the right way to live.

If you can be happy and healthy and look after yourself but not diet and not hold yourself to the thin ideals that other people place so much importance on then.... aren't you basically calling into question what is the mainstay of so many people's lives (and businesses)?

And that's frightening. I watched Cherry Healey's show on body dilemmas the other day. She had a range of people talking about their body issues. I know it to be true but seeing thin size 8-10 women talk about how they hate their bodies and want to hide them just confirms that body hatred is not just a fat lady thing. It's also increasingly not just a woman thing either.

It's just so incredibly sad the amount of energy we spent each day hating ourselves and comparing ourselves against an unrealistic ideal.

So let's stop. And when we stop let's encourage other people to stop. Put a pillow between their head and the wall to start, and then finally lead them away from the wall and show them that the world won't end, they won't fall apart and that there is so so so much more to do with your time than obsessing over the size of your thighs.

:)

Dreams do come true!

I have new boots! The Evans ones arrived and they fit perfectly and despite the rather off putting photo (have tweeted this to Evans) they are really lovely in the flesh. Great quality leather, nice woody heel going on.

The Next ones were.... nice. Liked the extra buckle and strap details but they didn't stretch enough even with the two elastic inserts and the leather was much thinner. Seemed more like boots for a season as opposed to boots for a few seasons (after the odd bit of nugget). So so happy to finally have boots that fit my massive calves!

Now I have boots I have decided that I may need some more dresses to wear with them ;) I don't really like skirts to be honest. It is the whole skirt/top thing that gets me. I've managed the odd skirt and cardi combo but not convinced. How do I make the top suit the skirt? If one has detailing then does the other one have to be plain? Colour with black or black with black? Black and white and look like a waitress? You see my issues....

So as I said. Dresses. Lovely dresses. Loving this, really getting the 40's vibe that is big for A/W. Would have to get the red I think.

This one has been a fav of other fatashion bloggers. I have issues with knitted though, as I have two big fluffy white dogs. Not a good look with dog fur on black knitted fabrics although they fit in well with angora ;)


As for Evans, I'm in complete and total love with their embroidered kimono dress. *gurgles with desire*

When I go to the fat swap I am going to try to find some more dresses for my boots. Fingers crossed.

In other news:

- clearing out my clothes for the fat clothes swap has helped me narrow down what my personal style is. And I'm labelling it thus: simple. I don't like a lot of patterns (good bye patterns) or anything too casual (good bye brown leather jacket I never figured out how to wear). I don't do plain baggy t's (they went to charity a while back) nor do I like dressing like a sofa (big patterns and me don't work).

I like simple, classic and I do details and colour, but not a lot and I LOVE statement jewellery and scarves.

- I'm still having an inner debate about flattering vs fuck flattering. Do I think clothes need to flatter ie hide fat bodies? Do I feel better in flattering clothes? Not sure, I'm sure some of the clothes I feel the best in aren't the most flattering but there are definitely things I wouldn't wear because of my body size ... the debate continues!

- I'm currently on leave. Not, please note on holiday, as I am spending my time wallpapering and doing house things (tidying up and untangling necklaces took up one day). This is killing my blogging but will try to get better with getting some images and pics.

What is your statement style?

The Deep Meaning of a Sausage Roll

This post is going to be a bit rambly I'm afraid as it about some random thoughts I've had over the last few days. One of these random thoughts was inspired by a sausage roll, hence the title.

I have dieted a lot in my past. Since my early teens if not earlier. Food therefore was/is categorised in rather complex ways for me. With my parents there were foods that I was only allowed to eat if I was willing to get the sighs and tutting, or in some cases was permitted to eat as it was a special occasion or another excuse. There were foods that I was told we shouldn't be eating, but we deserved a treat (cream-laden cakes were in this category) and then there was 'good' food such as salad and rice cakes (I literally shudder at the memories).

Anyway. There were also foods that I used to eat secretly or when the chance came up away from my parents (at school etc) - often the tutting foods. Sausage rolls were in this category. They were my guilty pleasure.

So when Mr Eclectica and I were hungry the other day and busy and needed something to eat for lunch we stopped at M&S at the service station. Before I went in I wanted a wrap I thought. Something tasty. He wanted a pasty (man food). So I wandered in and somehow came out with a pasty for him and the most god awful sausage roll for myself. And it was hideously bad. Greasy, with spongy meat, and as I ate it I thought why did I buy this? I finished it (god knows why) and then wanted to write a note across the walls, across my forehead even, NEVER BUY THIS AGAIN.

But why did I buy it? Why didn't I even look at the other options? I would have preferred sushi or anything. And the answer came to me the other day. It was because it seemed to me like one of those occasions when I was 'allowed' to have a fattening option if I wanted it. So I did. Regardless of whether I actually wanted it or not.

Spending so much time dieting and being without meant that for the other periods of my life I ate all the crap I could find as I was sure that I would then be dieting soon anyway so if I didn't eat it now I would miss out. I still have these eating patterns to some extent which leads me to eating dessert or something else even when I'm full. It's that unconscious feeling that if I don't eat it now then I won't be allowed it tomorrow or it won't be there. Weird huh? But these things get imprinted from an early age and are hard to wipe clean - especially if it's not really a conscious thought process.

I'm getting over it. But the sausage roll proves to me at least that I still have a way to go. I need to concentrate on what I really want to eat, not what is good or bad or allowed or permitted. To be fair to the husband he doesn't police my eating - except when I seem to be eating more than I probably really need or want (when already full). Which makes me think: why am I eating to the point of being uncomfortable - oh that's right, because I think I'm dieting tomorrow. But I'm not anymore. Hurrah!

The more I read about Health at Every Size the more it makes sense to me. Intuitive eating makes sense. Actively thinking about my food choices makes sense.

Thinking about food as good or bad, and therefore yourself as being good or bad for eating them is a pernicious way of thinking. Food is just food. It's not a moral judgement. You are a bad  person if you kick puppies, not if you eat a chocolate bar.

You are not good if you eat salad. You're just eating leaves and if it's what you wanted for lunch brilliant. If you really wanted something else then no one is going to be giving you a medal for your sacrifice.

Here endth the rant. Comments please.

Operation Tree Trunk

Evans sent me a lovely email offering me 20% off everything until the 20th of August. I have therefore decided to bring forward the start of Operation Tree Trunk - otherwise known as buying some boots!

If I was thin this would be easier. Maybe. I think that I would have pretty solid legs anyway, but as it is there is a large covering of lard and my calves are huge. Solid. Big. Not boot friendly.

I had some stretchy non-leather ones in NZ and have some microsuede ones from Wallis at the moment, but they have heels and a point toe. And I want leather riding boots God damn it!

I have narrowed my options down to two stores: Evans and Next. I know lots of people rave about Duo but according to their size chart my calves won't fit their boots (I think they are 52 cm at their widest).

Simply Be have lovely boots, but none have enough stretch to fit my calves either. Oh to be fat with thin legs *sob*

So the plan is this: over the next week or so I am going to road-test boots and share the results with you, my lovely readers, in case you too suffer from bigger than average calves.

I don't think that either Evans or Next will have the ones I want in store (certainly not Next near here) so I am going to order them in and then try them on. There will be pics!

Ok, the contenders

I want something classic, leather and black (maybe in brown too if I find the Perfect boot).

This is from Next. £82

These are great too and from Evans, but I really don't think they will fit as they have no elastic insert. Shame.

So these are the Evans ones I will try.

Not as pretty as the Next ones, but I am worried that having straps (while they look great) might defeat the point of having stretchy elastic! We are about to find out.

Anyone got any other brands I could try or just willing to wish me good luck? Really want to find some boots to love. Fingers crossed!!!

Pretty things

Another dress, another day. I decided that due to the difficulty of wearing dresses and dog walking and toddler taming I was only doing to do the dress 'thing' on workdays (currently 3 days a week). But then I wore one on a Mummy day and I was going to take a pic but then I was toddlered....

In other words one minute I was wearing a floral dress over jeans and feeling like a Yummy Mummy and the next I was covered in sauce, felt tip pen and bodily fluids (all from the top end thank goodness). So no photo of that I'm afraid.

But on Wednesday I got up and top some pictures of my work outfit. I'm wearing an Asos dress (like £2 from Ebay), scarf from Oxfam, primark leggings (of course!) and Next sandals (which after one day of agony are now comfortable to wear although I may have permanent toe scarring).

I bought this scarf as I loved it, but struggled to find anything to wear it with.

The scarf is a deeper cerise than the photos show but I love it with the navy dress. Very pretty girly for me though!

Do you have anything lurking in your wardrobe you love but can't think how to wear?

10 Day Dress Challenge.

I'm wearing a dress today and it's all Monkey's fault ;) I've taken her up on her challenge to wear dresses over ten days. For more information take a looky here.

I think in reality it's supposed to be ten different dresses over 10 days. Small problem. I don't have 10 dresses as I am a tops and trousers/jeans girl because of my Horrible Legs.

I have fat legs. Very fat legs. Chubby knees and massive thighs. My calves are like the hams of a giant pork. I have no love for my legs, only a sort of depressed resignation that I will never have tanned golden pins encased in micro shorts.

It is a well acknowledged fact that I look better in trousers than in skirts or dresses. Bare legs are a no no. BUT black tights are ok and I have embraced black leggings and so, dear readers, I did recently purchase two dresses. Therefore I now own 5. But I dislike one a lot as I look like a walking sofa in it. Unfortunately this happens to be the dress I got married in (long tragic tale).

So I am faced with 10 days wearing 5 dresses. So I might cheat and include a couple of tunic tops as well as I don't work two days a week and so need something toddler friendly to wear. Or something less couch like.

Anyway today I'm wearing a dress I have worn here before. I got it from Next on sale and love it. It seems to skim my tummy and bumps and I like the floral pattern. Worn with Monsoon pearls and cardi and Primark leggings and ballet flats. The leggings are a 20 but fit fine.

One day down, 9 to go. *GULP*

Oh and if you don't already know Monkey is hosting a Fat Clothes Swap and it is going to be brilliant and all the cool kids (e.g. me) are going. Come along!

Attraction

Atchka at Fierce Freethinking Fatties has written an intensely personal post about his experience as a Fat Admirer (FA) and was seeking other's experiences of FAs.

Funnily enough I was thinking the other day about my one and only (known) interaction with a FA. It was an encounter that at the time made me very uncomfortable and annoyed. Poor lad.

I say that this is my only known encounter with a FA because I don't really think the other men that have come and gone through my life could be counted in this category. Sure, I'm fat (and while my weight have changed over the years, at my smallest I have been a size 16-18 and that is still FAT) and they were attracted to me (for varying amount of time) but I don't think that their partner of choice would neccessarily be fat. In short I think my fatness wasn't what appealed to them above all my other glorious attributes and I don't think that they only went for, or dated, fat women.

So back to the FA who approached me on night when I was out on the town in a strange city. I was dancing with friends and he came and sat down next to me and started chatting me up. I wasn't interested but then I was mortified when he said something like 'ooh I prefer big women'. Now readers I must admit that at this time of my life I really was in denial about being fat. I was still quite sure that if I didn't mention it no one would notice and his comment shattered that illusion. So I was not best pleased and that is why I probably remember it to this day. And no, he didn't get lucky.

But thinking about this a couple of weeks ago I realised that while my response was a little silly (afterall I am a big woman), there was a couple big things wrong with his attempt to chat me up in that way.

Firstly, while we all have various things we are attracted to about other people, often they aren't things you should share with the other person (well not until you have been together for a while and possibly a bit drunk and even then caution is called for). Here's an example.

I have always for some very strange reason liked men who look at bit, well, I suppose, rodenty. Yup, I like a man with a wee bit of rattiness to him. A sharp nose, fine features. Twitchy tail.

I'm kidding about the tail.

Anyway, you get what I mean. I like a certain look about a man. I also have gone for men who appear to be a little higher up the Asperger's spectrum than others may like - introverts you could say. Now it is this kind of slightly weird attraction that makes the world a happy place and diversity is good. But I would never, and have never, gone up to a man and said "you look like you lack some essential social skills and know your way around a block of cheese - how about it?"

Similarly I have a friend who likes bald men as she thinks hair is a bit unnessary. Fair enough, but I bet she doesn't go up to men and say "you're losing a bit of hair, fancy a snog?'. My point is that often what we find attractive about other people isn't always things they find attractive about themselves or even things they are comfortable with about their appearance. And so it's often better to keep it to ourselves.

The second thing that this poor man got wrong is that by saying he liked fat women I then felt like just the closest person who fitted his shag criteria and not a gorgeous woman in my own right. No one wants to be fancied just because they happened to be in the right place at the (possibly) right time. They want to be admired for their individual charms, not their placement in some random category like big boobs or long legs (or indeed ratty facial features - drool....). Ahem. Anyway, hopefully you get my point.

So in conclusion while I have nothing against FAs PLEASE don't tell me you are one when you hit on me. And don't bother hitting on me as I am happily married to a lovely man who is neither rodenty or autistic - but there you go. Attraction is a weird creature.

What's your experience of FAs or what weird sounding thing to do find attractive in other people?

What I wore - Monday

I have struggled with these trousers. They are wide leg in a light weight denim like fabric and have tried them with fitted tops, loose short tops and now this one: my standby white cotton top. This top has been my fall back option many a time as it is lovely and light to wear, looks good with jeans, linen or crops and I never iron it. Which probably explains why it has lasted so long.

Anyway, I think this is the best I have seen these Very trousers look on me. Wore with M&S white top (which will die soon and then I will cry), Monsoon necklace (that reminds me of seaweed and I got at 70% off) and New Look gold lace-up sandals. With heels. But they are actually confortable!

And yes, that is a dog behind me. Seems to be a reoccurring theme that someone else in the Eclectica clan wants to get into the photos! Also my darling husband seems to have an inate ability to take photos of my double chin. Thanks love. Need to work on that!And my arms aren't really that pink. Oh well.